The benefits of being lost

I have a trait that drives me nuts: I get lost everywhere I go. I’m a terrible navigator, a map is mystifying to me. I google map everything and half the time I still get turned around.

I’ve been playing with this idea: what if getting lost is a sign that magic is at work?

I believe that traits we think of as flaws in our culture — running late, getting lost, losing keys, forgetting things — are actually invitations to step into magic.

It’s how most fairy tales start. Alice down the rabbit hole, Dorothy diving into the cellar to hide from a tornado, Sarah (from Labyrinth) running home in the rain to babysit her brother then accidentally invoking David Bowie the Goblin King (it happens).

It’s how two year olds live every moment of their day. It’s what happens when elders slip into dementia. We think of these stages as annoying — a terrible willful phase to be trained out of, a dreaded no turning back threshold to be held off as long as possible. And I’m not pretending they are beautiful! I have a two year old right now and this morning he stood on a chair shouting, I PEEING! I PEEING! and then ten minutes later he did the same exact thing again.

It’s not fun to clean up. It didn’t feel very magical to me. But then, I’m on the outside looking in. My two year old is in it, mystified, watching, wondering what it means.

It’s hard when you’re the caregiver, the boss, the clean upper, the project manager. We are in charge of keeping things running, maintaining order, moving everyone along, noticing what needs fixing. That’s the power, right? I’m the decider, I’m the fixer, I’m in control. 

Losing control = losing power. 

Except what if it isn’t? What if losing your way, losing track of time, letting things slide into chaos is a different kind of power? A power we could embrace?

What if instead of aiming to eradicate these moments from my life, I saw them as invitations to lay down my certainty and feel the strange tension of not knowing what is going on — the tension of magic. Is that possible? 

I had a dream two months ago, where someone said to me, Uncertainty breeds confidence. In the middle of the night I wrote that down and I keep coming back to it.

Uncertainty breeds confidence.

There’s no way to real confidence without fumbling through not knowing. So if you’re fumbling right now: you are in the magic. Instead of fighting it, can you feel it’s tension, it’s bubbling chaos, it’s mystery?

Here is a magic spell to try tonight:

Go outside and stand under the dark sky. Whisper the things you do not know.  Welcome in the uncertainty all around you.

Feel the earth, how solid it seems. Feel it whispering back, rotating and shifting for miles and miles and miles under your feet.

See the blinking of stars in the sky, sending you signals from light years past.

Hear the sounds of night life, the scratching and rooting and scrabbling that is mysterious because you cannot see it. 

Leave a tiny object outside in the night, with a question. Go inside and make yourself a cup of tea. In the morning, see if the object is still outside where you left it.

If it is, pick it up and carry it in your pocket like a talisman.

If it is not, take it as a sign that your question has been taken under consideration by a creature of the night, and await their answer.


If you want help interpreting their answer or making space for magic in your life, I am offering 20 free coaching sessions for my spring People Project.


Shifting the power dynamic in your brain

I noticed a troll hanging out in my head this week, who was rolling her eyes, saying OH GOD GROSS every time I shared something and telling me everyone thinks I’m weird. Do you have a troll like this? I had a cold so I was extra vulnerable and it took me a while to notice.

Yesterday I pulled out ALL my tools: I drew a picture of the troll, I wrote down what she was saying, I asked questions and tried out opposite statements.

It sounds so silly — I drew a picture of the thoughts in my head and talked to the picture as if she were real. It is silly! I mean look at her:

I like mucking around in the weird mud of the inner world. This is messy, awkward, fumbling, vital work and I love it. It’s ok if it feels gross! EVERYONE thinks they are weird. We can be weird together.

It only took a few minutes of this and I was laughing out loud and feeling grounded and sure of myself again. I worked with the troll instead of trying to push her away, and arrived at something that feels true for me: I like being weird.

(I made a Facebook live video of some of this troll work if you want to see it on its feet)

Who are the trolls in your head who stop you in your tracks?

What do they say?

It’s too late, you missed your chance

You are being ridiculous

What a crybaby

Everyone else knows what they’re doing

Oh no, nothing is going right!

You’re going to lose everything!

What happens when you draw them and ask them questions and try on some different truths?

Your eyes are open to second chances

You are taking things much too seriously

What a loving emotionally healthy adult

Everyone doubts what they are doing

Oh no, everything is going right!

You’ve got nothing to lose!

I’m not saying this solves everything. It shifts the power dynamic inside your brain.

It’s one tiny step up a big ladder.

It doesn’t make the ladder disappear — but it does make climbing the ladder feel possible.

Try some troll work and let me know what you find out!

If you live in Portland and want to do troll work with a team: you can still sign up for Fruition.

Granting yourself validation

I talk to so many people who are looking for validation from someone who is not giving it to them. And this is such a hard one! Because even if you know you should be validating yourself — even if you want to, even if (like me) you’re a recovering people pleaser trying to disconnect from the drug of outside approval — that desire is still there, to be validated, to be affirmed, to be deemed worthy.

I had a thought the other day: what if you granted validation to yourself?

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Not thought about it, wished for it, longed for it, waited for it, but GRANTED it.

How do you grant yourself validation?

How about we try this:

Write out the validation you want from someone. Imagine them saying exactly what you want to hear: singing your praises, telling you good job, nodding with approval at your actions.

Now this is the important part — read it out loud. If possible, to a trusted friend. Nod with approval. Stand up and clap your hands. Sing your own praises. And end with something like:

I hereby grant myself the validation I seek. 

 To commemorate, put on a validation song and dance to it, or write out a certificate, or make a tiny sigil to wear around your neck, or find a ring to wear, so any time you’re feeling small or insignificant or like an imposter, you can make a fist and say to yourself:

YES: I see you 

I know you

You are powerful

You are learning

You are growing 

I validate you

I strengthen you

I encourage you

I believe in you

I think something happens when we say this out loud to ourselves. When we adopt it as a daily practice, something you can do no matter how you feel, something you can feel your way into.

It’s not a given. It’s not either you have it or you don’t. It’s not something someone else can give you anyway.

Have you ever noticed that? How often, when the validation DOES come from outside, we swat it away, we deflect it, we dismiss it?

I wonder if, when we begin truly to affirm ourselves, when we build up those muscles and recognize ourselves, we also begin to receive more validation from the outside. Because we’re open to it — we’re ready for it — we’re not in a desperate game of hide and seek with it, we already have it.

Something to experiment with! And that’s what I love about this work. It’s something you can practice and learn. It’s a choice you can make and a stance you can take, a question you can ask.

What if I had the power to grant myself validation?

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Try this: WORD ASSOCIATION

This is an exercise I use all the time when I find myself stuck around a particular word or phrase. I think I first read about it here but I’ve come across it other places too — in any case, this is my spin on it.

Here’s how it works:

1) Write the word or phrase that is tripping you up in big letters on a blank sheet of paper. Then write = [as many associations that come to your mind as you can].

DON’T THINK, just write as fast as you can. If you want, you can try writing with your left hand — that’s one way to tap into your creative/unconscious/unverbal brain.

Here’s an example, using something I frequently get tripped up over:

MONEY  = cash

= power

= freedom

= pain

= stuck up

= glamor

= fake

= plastic surgery

= cancer

= seductive

= can’t refuse

= Robert Redford, the devil, big ego, blind

= dollars $$$$

= less fighting

= time

= cage

= grandma

= strings attached

= residue

WHEW. That’s a lot of associations. Now you try it! You can use MONEY if you want, but it could be anything. LOVE. BABY. JOB. WINTER. BREAKFAST. Any words that are currently a flash point for you — that shut you down or light you up or make you think in circles.

2) Now, pick 5 of the words above, and go further. Whatever associations come up when you think of those words, write them down — even if they don’t make sense. Like this:

stuck up = suburbs, people moving away and getting stuck up, beige carpet, too quiet, dream house –> end of something.

strings attached = manipulation, forcing, not trusting, hoarding, puppetmaster.

plastic surgery = hollywood, once you start you can’t stop, can’t hold onto realness, can’t abide realness, cutting out humility and vulnerability and humanity, fucked up superhero.

can’t refuse = at mercy of boss because you need the paycheck, they own you because they pay you. Being bossed around, beholden.

3) Now brainstorm the opposites of those words:

stuck up –> low key, down to earth, more connected, putting time and money into something you love (a house you build with your own hands as opposed to a big cookie cutter house in the suburbs). Sharing what you have. Staying true to your roots.

strings attached –> giving with no expectation. Using money to connect and help people. Cutting strings, letting go. Opened up, not walled in. Giving things away, clearing, making space for new things. Following curiosities, using money to have adventures.

plastic surgery –> Frances McDormand, she doesn’t need plastic surgery. An interesting face. Being ok with your own face, with getting old, with wrinkles. Not improving yourself. Refusal = defiance = badass, refusing to be more than you are.

can’t refuse –> freelancer, what a beautiful word. No boss. Nothing owed to anyone.

Robert Redford –> what is the opposite of Robert Redford?! Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were? Kris Kristofferson? Someone who’s not afraid to play the bad guy, not trying to save the world, just doing their thing. NOT branding yourself.

You might notice some themes emerging, and if it helps, you can put them together into phrases and sentences. In my case, I’m noticing that I seem to believe that money is associated with presenting yourself as something you’re not — a superhero, a moral leader, a dream house — and being controlled by nefarious forces. No wonder I’m having issues with money!

What if instead of this hollywood suburban nightmare, I could exist in a down to earth world where people helped each other out and followed their curiosity? A world where I don’t owe anyone anything and can do exactly what I want and present myself exactly as I am. Hmmmm.

4) In that vein, I’m going to brainstorm all the qualities I’d LIKE to be associated with [that world / thing]:

[new thing]     = cash, free and clear

= paid in full

= currency — trades, services, symbols, metaphors, proxies

= fair exchange, fair trade, fair price for services rendered

= paid gigs

= no boss

= FREELANCER! (this reminds me of HIGHLANDER and immortality and Sean Connery)

= not a guru, not the good guy, not a moral leader, just a person

= being exactly what I am, presenting myself exactly as I am

= helping people, connecting people

= action (actions speak louder than words)

= have more adventures

= crowdsourcing / crowdsurfing

= economics

= transaction –> Trans Action –> exchange of energy, services, goods

5) Like in step 2, we’re going to pull out key words and push them further. Not all of these will lead to something tangible, but usually by the time I get to this stage, tangible action starts to appear. It may or may not be related to my original word, but then again, it might in a way my rational everyday mind doesn’t understand.

freelancer = get gigs, get the word out. Email friends, make facebook page, make business cards, put my thing out there, no big deal, take it or leave it. Explain it exactly as it is.

have more adventures = go on a hike every day. Eavesdrop on people when waiting in line instead of checking my phone…? Listen. Try posting whatever the hell I want on my blog. Wear a radical outfit. Buzz cut my hair.

helping people, connecting people = find free workshops to take, offer free workshops? Share ideas on blog.

trans action = try more things, do things for others, ask for help, ask for support when I need it, share more, risk letting people in even if it scares me. Invite more people over to my house. Set up playdates. What is a playdate between adults (not in a kinky way)?

And at this point, if a word or phrase has appeared that you can use in the place of the original word, awesome! Use it! In my case, I’m going to use the word Trans-Action so I can remember that I’m not cheating people out of their precious dollars by pretending to be a moral leader — no, I am using the resources I have to help people out and asking for help when I need it and following my own curiosity and going on adventures and connecting with other people who are doing this too. We are supporting each other.

So instead of saying ARGHH I NEED TO BE MAKING MORE MONEY I can now say, DANG, TIME TO STEP UP THE TRANS-ACTION! 

And instead of charging MONEY for my services (eeek, what a fraud, I’m cheating people, I’m a poser and a fake!*), I’m engaging in Trans-Actions in which people offer me something in exchange for what I’m offering them. Fair trade. They know what I’m offering, I know what they’re offering.

What do you think? Let me know what you find out if you try this exercise!

*related topic: imposter syndrome. Duh duh DUHHHHH! We’ll talk about that another time.